Anyone else forget to eat lunch? I never thought this would happen to me, but I've done it twice this week. It's not because I'm less hungry. I just sort of get sidetracked. One of those days, I actually made myself a meal and left it on the counter all afternoon. It's like my brain doesn't think it's a priority or maybe my body is in some kind of safety mode.
The last couple weeks have been busier for me than almost any other stretch since starting my business. Ironically, I've gotten less actual work done within the same time range.
I've been trying to balance my time "at the office" against watching my two sons 3+ days a week. My wife's new job has her working nights until May, when she'll move to days for 6 weeks, then back to nights and so on.
The only major difference (for the boys) between mom working nights and days is that those weeks take longer. She works 7 pm to 7 am and it (justly) needs an additional day (or two) to recover from night shift — because they're 12 hour shifts, morning and bedtime routines mostly remain the same. The biggest difference for me is I have a hard time sleeping alone. Actually, I have a hard time sleeping at all since our sons are terrible at it.
It's also hard because by the end of day three (when we're lucky enough for her shifts to be back-to-back-to-back) I feel like I finally have everything figured out. The boys are adjusted and pretty content to let Dad feed them in the mornings and lay them down at nights. As soon as Mom's home there's excitement and confusion and all of a sudden the routines are discarded. One step forward and two steps back.
<aside> 👵 My sister and mom watch the boys a few hours at a time during the days I'm flying solo and I'm grateful for their help. However, it's really hard to get a lot done in those windows. I've had to be extremely efficient managing my time, but even then I'm only working between 6-10 total hours among my "Dedicated Dad Days" each week.
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It's been especially difficult for our 3-year-old, who's gone through so much change in the past year that he doesn't really seem to believe anything lasts. He got to go to the park last week and met another boy his age. Every night he asks if he can go play with Max again, no matter how many times we tell him we have no clue who his parents are. (PS: Max's mom, if you're reading this please email me.)
Because of the new shift in responsibilities at home, I've turned down a lot of work lately. I'm actually struggling to maintain my current workload with only 20ish hours a week to focus on the business (I've tried to keep weekends work-free). Even though I know I can't fit more on my plate, and I know where my priorities lie, and I know ultimately the choice to turn down work is my sole decision, this is all really difficult for me.
It hasn't been that bad to pass on projects that I know wouldn't be much fun. Quick turnarounds with little creative input are generally red flags for me anyway. But I do feel disappointed to reject any new business, even if it's a bad fit. It's something I'm working on.
I think having so much lined up for myself mid-January kind of ruined my expectations for how busy I should be. I was booked through the first week of April before February even started, and had hoped things would keep that same pace. Knowing work is on the horizon two months out is comforting and exciting (especially when clients send in a deposit).
I know that if I was taking on everything, I'd be slammed right now and unavailable for new business until June. As reassuring as it sounds, I'd probably be too busy. Maybe the issue is there isn't a normalized balance, yet. It's feast or famine; I always feel overwhelmed or bored.
<aside> 💸 I keep a log of all potential work (including budget) and the rejected column is growing. The sum of lost work has grown into five figures. I'm sure my sanity is worth way more, but it's still difficult to let that money walk. I guess you shouldn't miss what you never had.
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This is probably a lot of mismanaged expectations on my part. I keep telling myself that once my final scheduled client project (not including repeat production work, which is about 20% of my ongoing workload right now) wraps up this month, I'll be able to focus more on the boys and be extremely picky about new business. I'm choosing to predict the stress of my current situation has a shelf life.
My logic is that once we're done with this first batch of night shifts, I'll get 1-2 days back each week (plus I'll sleep a little better). That will increase the number of hours I can commit to client projects and allow me to feel a little more plugged in to the business. Well, at least for 6 weeks. There's no shortage of personal projects on my to-do list, not to mention plenty of admin work or portfolio upkeep.
Even so, this thinking may be as flawed as my initial outlook and doesn't solve for the slowdown of business. I suppose I could schedule new projects if clients weren't looking to start until next month. It seems everyone's in a rush right now.
Saying no hasn't ever really been a struggle for me (just ask my former managers), so I'm surprised at the impact it's had on my psyche lately. I'm guessing it has more to do with me not being in control of every aspect of my life.
I've worked so hard to get to a point where I had autonomy. Even more so than title or money, the ability to plan my day and work on projects I genuinely enjoy has been my biggest professional goal. Feeling obligated as a dad and husband has tweaked that and I just honestly didn't see it coming. That's ignorance and selfishness. It's something else I'm working on.